Well, I'm here in sunny Iraq. Great stuff. It's hit 120 degrees here, and let me tell you, it fucking sucks when the AC stops working in your tent. 
I miss you guys. I'm just letting you all know that I'm still alive and kicking.

I started off working at the motor pool as a mechanic, but my 1SG offered me a job doing nightshift at the TOC. THIS IS THE BEST JOB EVAAAR. I have to update a few slides online, print out new fragos and keep track of when and where are people are when they roll out on convoys. The rest of the time? I watch movies and play video games...and now that I have a laptop and internet (2 cents a minute) I'll probably be online more often too. Kick ass.

I watched that new indiana jones movie...wow. That movie sucked completely. It was terrible. I don't have anything else to say about it other than it was complete and utter crap.

Not much goes on here. It's my birthday today and I'm spending it at the TOC with SGT Waldo, hanging out and watching movies (Hot Fuzz was fucking awesome). I can think of worse ways to spend my birthday. XD

I don't really know what else to say except I miss you guys and it's boring as hell here. I really miss going to theaters and watching movies instead of buying the bootleg for $1.00 off the Haji, but, oh well. I also miss food. Defac food is okay, but I miss REAL food. You know...stuff that isn't just edible, but has some flavor? I think I miss pasta the most. They serve it here sometimes...but it's not very good.

I'm starving right now. I sent SGT Waldo to chow to pick us up some food from midnight chow. I'm waiting for him to get back.

Anyway, just thought I'd let you all know I'm still alive and kickin!

I'm also friends locking this journal. To many people in the military know my email address and it's the same as my LJ account. I have too much incriminating stuff in here to have it out in the open where everyone can see it.

Fare thee well, you angry little gnome!

XD

Yesterday I told my Platoon SGT that I needed to go to the doctors and that my appointment was at 11:15. He told me to resquedual it because I needed to do my SRP (don't ask. It's stupid shit so we can get ready for deployment). I told him I couldn't miss the appointment. That I really needed to go. Of course, my company being extreemly nosey, they have to ask me what I'm going for. So I told him that I was going for Anxiety attacks and problems with dealing with depression. So he let up and I went to my appointment.

This doctor was a complete dumbass. He asked me a bunch of questions and stuff and in the end he said, "Well, for your anxiety attacks you need to work on your breathing." 

....HOW the FUCK am I supposed to concentrate on my breathing when I can't concentrate on ANYTHING. The guy didn't even address my depression issues. I guess he didn't think it mattered or something.

I got back to work after that and had a crazy anxiety attack because, come to find out, EVERYBODY there knew what I had gone to the doctors for. This was something I did not want my peers to know about me. It isn't any of their business and I have to look at their ugly mugs every day and know that they know now.

Sgt Z (my motor Sergeant ) asked me if I did my SRP. I said no, I had an appointment. He kind of shrugged and was like, "Well I would have cancelled the appointment and resqedualed." 

Me: *rolls eyes* Uh huh.

Then I walk up and my Platoon SGT says that the L1 wants to talk to me, and so does the commander. He said somehow they found out about it and they just want to ask me If I'm okay.  NO. I'm not FUCKING okay! If I was okay, why the fuck would I have made a Psychiatric appointment, JACK ASS?!
So, anyway, I had an axiety attack that lasted about 45 minutes with me unable to breath, unable to THINK, unable to move. My chest hurt and my limbs had gone completely numb. I seriously thought I was having a heart attack and I was going to die.
Then what happens? SGT Z starts telling me to file certain work orders and telling me to do a bunch of other stuff. After about five minutes of me not responding to his list of needs and wants he stares at me and says, "Man, you don't look to good."  It took me about 3 breaths to get out the words, "Anxiety attack"
To which he replied, "Oh. Yeah, I heard about that." Then he continued on with the list of things he wanted me to work on.

WAIT. You HEARD that I was having anxiety attacks and my depression...and you STILL had wanted me to cancel my appointment? You stupid mother fucker. 

I had the worst migrane ever. 

I talked to a chaplain later that night, because talking to them is confidential and no one has to know. He told me to go back to the doctors in the morning, and tell them you want a different doctor to evaluate you. 

So I did. I told the lady everything that was fucked up in my life, I told her about all my anxiety attacks, I think I may have said some things that caused them to be more concerned and now I have therepy sessions with a socal worker and they gave me meds to take for anxiety and depression.

Thank you. Finally, I'm getting something other than, "Work on your breathing." Duurrr.

They also gave me Quarters for the rest of the day because I haven't eaten or drank anything in 2 days and I haven't really been sleeping either. So I'm back at my room now while everyone else is at work, so I can calm down, relax, try to eat and sleep.

I think me going to sick call all the time for this is starting to piss SGT Z off, but fuck him. He knows how to run that computer and if he can't figure something out there are other SAMSE clerks available to help him.
They don't understand. I can't be at the top of my game unless I get better. I'm no help to them the way I am right now.

It's been a long 9 weeks, but tomorrow I graduate from BCT (Basic Combat Training. AKA: BOOTCAMP). I'm very excited. Right now I'm using the internet at the Bowling Alley at Fort Jackson. It's family day so they're letting us do whatever we want today (so long as it's on post and excludes smoking or drinking.). The graduation ceremony is tomorrow, and after that I'll be off to AIT (Kind of like college for the job you chose). I'm very excited. Hopefully they'll give us some time to shop tomorrow so I can buy a cell phone.

I complained a lot about how much BCT sucked, but it's been a lot of fun too. Well, the past 3-4 weeks have been anyway. the first 5 weren't that great, but that was mostly because I was incredibly lonely and depressed about being so far from home. I'm okay now though, and I'm going to miss everyone in my platoon when we part seperate ways tomorrow. I'll especially miss the drill sergeants who call me things like, Jacknife (DS Abair) or Corky, Re-re, dumbass (DS Boyd) or Knucklehead (DS Philon), or Chicken Little (DS Lubic). It's weird. Most of them weren't that bad at all. Most of the time they just insulted us to be funny. There were a couple though that I'll be happy never to see again. But it's very cool. 

Today when we were getting ready for Family Day DS. Miller called 5 people out of our platoon (there are 54 of us) and one of them was me. He gave us these coin things and shook our hands and said that he wanted to recognise our hard work and he felt we deserved recognition the most and that the five of us had the most potential in the Platoon. I've never been more proud. I kind of wish now I hadn't told my mom not to come, I think tomorrow is going to be one of the proudest moments of my life. I really think I've doning something good here.

Well, anyway, I have to pay to use the internet by the minute, so If you don't hear from me for a while, that's why. I'm going to try calling people soon with a new cell hopefully. I'm going to tell Christine that she needs to send me my computer so I don't have to constantly go to the bowling alley. O_o; 

For the first time in a long time, I'm completely happy with where my life is right now. ^_^